All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
