and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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