hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize