I murdered the dance floor call the cops
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
