I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
