U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
