After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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