Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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