I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
