i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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