Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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