he shaved USA in his pubs
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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