I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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