Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
