Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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