sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
