my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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