I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
being pregnant is like rehab
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How naked do you want me to be?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
