im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
