I faked an abortion last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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