I think my vagina is haunted
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
