Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
