My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
