: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
