i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
