he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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