so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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