he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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