I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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