in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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