I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
