and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
