she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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