Heybabeimwearingurpanties
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
