maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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