my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The convent might be a nice break from real life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
