please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize