How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
