You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
