You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
