just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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