Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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