Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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