I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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