I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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