You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
