an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
