They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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