apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
