just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
