mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
