A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
