every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
