I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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