Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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