jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my shit smells like andre
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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