I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
