True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
