my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Moan for me like Helen Keller
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
