Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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